Pushing Daisies

Pushing Daisies got cancelled!

I'm past the mourning stage, now I'm just sad, though still looking forward to the remaining episodes. But then it will be over. Future plans may happen with a Comic Book, or possibly (I hope) a Movie. Because I don't think a comic book could ever come close to capturing the magic that is PD in its music and colour and actors and everything.

*sigh* :(

And this morning I can't find Dennis. I have no idea where he ran off to.
Still doing homework like always. Though there is a super bon fire tonight at Jake's. I hope that is fun.

I'll break your heart To keep you far from where all danger starts Where atmosphere gets crazy.

Ahh, lets see. I always still have homework to do. So yay college. Besides that life is just there, and most of the time there's not that much excitement going on. New favorite whatnot: Warpaint. The band from LA, of whom Jon says "imagines none of them wearing shoes". They have a pyschdelic folky sound and are (or were) an all girl band (except for now posssibly the drummer, or something, according to their Myspace), and a good one at that, which makes them even cooler. And Johnny Fru mixed their EP, which unfortunatly I can't get because since they're unsigned, its only avaiable at their shows, which of course are all down south 7 hours. The ONLY upsides to such places as LA, NYC, all that are they are the primes of art culture, or real culture in general. Downside: nothing happens where I am. :( I feel like im an artist by nature, I'm creative and a little odd, and I love being around that, but not at the price of moving to such a Babylon as LA. So bummer. Maybe we should make our own avent-garde place. *sigh* One day maybe. As for now I'll own my skill and keep on dreaming.

Also, I'd love to learn the guitar. Future goal.

Title from Warpaint "Elephants".

Better Off Dead...

SHELLYi bombed a humanities test last week, so i feel ya
ROWANhow do you like humanities
SHELLYits way interesting, though the class just is..odd
have you ever seen the movie better off dead?
ROWAN
um yeah
SHELLYwell its like that
ROWAN
in what ways
SHELLY
i took it cause you know it looked interesting, which it is, but its like that scene where they're in the math class
ROWAN
ah yes
sucks for you
SHELLY
and everyone seems to be so into it and adore the teacher, and im like john cusack
ROWAN
lol
SHELLY
im like i just hope i freakin pass and im looking at everyone like are you serious?
so yeah, its good, but im feeling john cusacky
which doesn't suck, but its strange to feel like you're living in a 80s movie
ROWAN
you should try to add that word to the dictionary
SHELLY
cusacky?
ROWAN
yup
with that exact definition
itll be funny
SHELLY
haha, im so glad you appriciate this
ROWAN
im just glad its not me


Yay Rowan. And yay John Cusack. For being awesome. And John Cusack.

On A Random Note...

He is SO my favorite. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. John Frusciante.

Unstructured Poem.

I'm not a cinic. I'm not even an anything. I take my time in doing things that have to do with anything related to the heart. I must let myself mull over any situation, even if its for 2 minutes or 2 hours, no matter how long it takes. But by doing this, will I sometimes miss opportunities? This doesn't seem fair, yet that's the whole thing. All time wasted is ultimatly time lost, even if you never meant to loose it in the first place. I claim that I'm a person of impulse, but those are only the times of quick thinking and really wanting something. Tonight, I'm genunally sad. And afterwards, and even at this very moment, I just don't care to put on a mask, to pretent I'm happy or moved on, because I haven't. I've got to mourn this one. But even so my personality prevailed on one account, but I felt that every and any second I was ready to burst. And that's how I feel on so many occasions, but I usually always seem to prevail, at times when I am more than ever thankful for my quiet nature and ability to keep thoughts in order, even if it may feel a bit like torture, I would rather torture myself than harm anyone else. But I subtlely let my sadness be known, and as I expressed this, I felt like crying. But yet again, kept in check. And I didn't turn and say goodbye, and I let my sadness be known. No comfort can be found in a text, and even if I recieved something more, I wouldn't accept this help. And I for only a sliver of myself want someone to care and fix this blemish, but in getting what I know I desire, I would be hurting someone else, someone else who wants what I want, but more so, so they deserve it more than me, and It's completely selfish of me to want what I now don't have. The worst part: I cannot blame anyone but myself---she did exactly what I told her to, though I didn't know what I was giving up until I lost it. In a sick way, I'm still not sorry, I'm just incredibly sad. I'm so used to full reign over my sis, I'm selfish in thinking I get her all the time. We aren't teenagers anymore with no one else in the world to look after but eachother. I'm just not used to this, change, time has gone by. I feel like I'm in a rut. I haven't grown up. Years have passed but I still expect things to not change. I've just realized this tonight. And what has started off as a crappy week has only continued to fall into more crap. Is it the weather, is it me? Is it...something else I can blame? It's me, all me.

Birthday!

I'm now 19. I'm old. But I had a good time and awesome gifts! Thanks family!

Pushing Daisies Season 1 DVD
The Beatles Let It Be CD
Star Wars Episode VI A New Hope DVD
Wayne's World & Wayne's World 2: The Shwing! Shwing! 2 For One Pack (Excellent!)




Wayne's World, Wayne's World, It's Party Time, Excellent!!!




Yeah, and monkeys might fly out my butt!



....Yeah, okay I'm a little obsessed, but chah, I'm okay with that.

and my homework was, and still is highly neglected...yay......

Dennis.

Dennis. My lovely little blue phone. That I got about a little more than a year ago, give a little more time. The one with the name written on the back in brown Sharpie. And has the fish stickers that I got from Alex last year in Photography class. I named him after the guitarist of Flogging Molly (Dennis Casey). The name was already cool beforehand because of Monty Python ("Kneel." "Dennis!"). And he might be dead. Forever. And it’s my fault too. I am so sad. And now depressed. I swear I must have some very strange like attachment issues. I wouldn't necessarily consider myself an emotional person, but I guess I'm "sensitive" (I mean I love animals and all and I have a zero tolerance rate for any kind of gore. And I cry at Edward Scissorhands every single freaking time) and I get attached to things at times, especially when I name them and pretty much call them my own. And now Dennis might be dead. And I'm not ready for him to die. If I have to get a replacement, I don't think I could rename it anything else, so I might have to call it "Dennis the II" or Dennis for short. But I won't know until I go to the store tomorrow. Still sad.

(NOTE: cross-posted to my lifejournal, but that might not be relivent information. if so, ignore said info)

I'm Dumb

College is great. No worries. I am tired. But working in the learning sense makes me feel happy. And one day late Happy Birthday to Steph!!!

I am currently reading two books. "Looking For Alaska" by John Green. (Nerdfighters!) And "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Geinus" by Dave Eggers. Both so far are a treat. I am super impressed with John's handy work in particular. I must go work on homework now. And as always, the Chili Peppers rock my socks. Take that as you will.

Alright, let's be honest...

...I am scared of college. Though scared isn't even really the right word. I think I simply just am feeling not ready. I just had a dream where I was in high school and sitting hanging out with friends and memorible other seniors and we were all having fun at a resterant I think it was. We were all loud and very proud of that and singing to eachother chants across the room, it was all a good time. And then we all got up and left and then I realized how much I would miss all them and miss all of this. In reality, I just don't think I've let it go yet and that's why I haven't been enthusiastic about college. I was denying why or just not looking at why I was feeling that way, but this is why. And the hardest thing is I know that isn't not the actual high school I miss (if I went there, "looking" for whatever I feel I'm missing, I would never find it there) but its the people and experiences of crazy bizzarly fun adolesent high school stuff. I know It's strange to say you're old at 18, but it seems like I should be like Pennie Lane and be retired. I feel like I already have a big experation date and am just washed out (though I know the opposite is true). I have much more to live for and its only the begining of life, really. But, I am absolutly terrified, and I'm not letting myself know it. Which is bad--its bad to stifle yourself like this, and I do it without even realizing it. I think I need to chill and get focused and have fun. And listen to Steph when she says Sierra is like High School number 2. But I'm still scared. Pray all this comes back to normal full circle as the first day of Sierra starts on Monday, Aug. 25th. 3 days away...

BLAH

For some reason I keep having trouble with logging into this blog. Either I just am too dumb and cannot remember the log in or the program is really messed up. Unfortuately on my part, I think It's the first one on my part. I seem to fail at life. Like a lot. So, I suck at that part. And school starts on the 25th. I don't really feel prepared and it also doesn't feel real. And I know I'm worrying about absolutely nothing. I love yellow. It's a bright, happy color. I feel like I disappoint far too much in my life. Or far too many people. I with I kinda...hmm, its not that I don't care, but I have such a mellow, layed back kind of thing, I wish sometimes I was just a little more OCD so I would just go and do stuff. Or get stuff done. I wish one of these posts would be more cheery, but it hasn't happened yet this summer.

Better Moods and CDs

Alright, well I'm feeling a bit better since I wrote that post. I dunno, I can get discouraged pretty easily, which is definatly one of my weaknesses. I'm not really that confident, though the way I can sometimes doup people about that is an amazing thing in of itself. *sigh* I'll I can say is that life is full of the tiniest, tinyist ebbs and flows, and I seem to take a ride on them all the freakin' time.

On a note, I love painting and art, and bright colors. And the ocean. I love water and the looks of things underwater. I love the green and the natural, though ironically, I hate the dirt part of it. And the strange, weird creepy crawlys. Like last night my foot got bit by a pincher bug who decided to go across the floor and camp out and see if I was tasty.

I feel confident in my switch to art, and I hope all goes well and I fall in love with it even more that I am in love with it at the moment. I really have to stop thinking about all the crap and white noise that goes along with the technicallities of life, and just find something I love and do it. It should only be as simple as that and I can make it that way if I really want to. Its all how you look at it, and I think we needed to be reminded of that, like all the time.

And Institute is Wensday, yay! I must admit I enjoy it, even though 2 hours is quite a length, but I'll have to get used to that, especially since some of my signed up classes are about that length, so I'll need to become reajusted to those long lengths of concentration. And I just purchased two Nirvana CDs ("Nevermind" and "Unplugged in New York") and two Red Hot Chili Peppers CDs (yay!!!) ("By The Way" and "Stadium Arcadium"). I think those will be the last Chili Pepper CDs I'll get, and not because I don't like them, but their other CDs are plainly unneeded. Those two with the other two I currenly own ("Blood Sugar Sex Magik" and "Californication") are truely the pinical Chilis. As for Nirvana, I'm not particularly interested in the darker "In Utero" (and you get the best songs from that album acustically no less on "Unplugged" anyways). I'd like to get this boxed set of theirs ("With The Lights Out" a need) and a CDs of so-called rares ("Incesticide") simply for the great cover of The Vaselines song "Molly's Lips" but that can wait another day. Ahh, music is fun. I feel more chipper, which is always exciting.

Post Number 3

I seriously think I have a sleeping problem. Its not that I can't sleep, but I can't sleep at night. I'm a true night owl in every sense of the word I guess. But its really messing up my system and my mood, which is to me at the moment the worst reprocussion. Even when I force myself to stay up all day and get up early to do so, I still can't get to sleep. I know I am tired, but its like my mind won't go to sleep. So I don't know. I was thinking about maybe considering pills, but I don't want an addiction or something aweful down the line. And I'd like to not have to be dependent on drugs, or eventually see drugs as a solution to anything, so I'm staying away from it. So this means at the moment, I'm a bit of a loss on what to do with the sleeping problem.

And I'm kinda worried about school. I guess I just have the usual nervous worries. Steph said its just college, but school not matter what, always seems super important. And I really want to continue getting good grades and go to Insitute so I can have the right stuff I need to get into BYU Idaho, I'm thinking a year or two right now. I know it will be the best environment for me, ultimatly. And when that time comes, the prospect will make me all worried again. I never realized how worried all situations make me. Like always. I guess as a kid I was better at ignoring them, and just keep on moving through, but now, less than ever, I'm horrible at masking it and not letting it effect me. And the fact that I'm doing absolutly nothing this summer is also not helping my mood. I kinda feel like all that is going on in the world is a strange repeat of things from the past, like the 60s and early 90s where things were kinda looking crappy, and it seemed to really effect people's everyday lives. And the worst part, is that no one seems to be able to find the solution. My only thought is that I have to keep on moving, even though like all the time I'm finding it to look impossible, but in reality, nothing is impossible, it just really feels that way, so much of the time. I dunno, maybe I should invest in my own motivational speaker. But I would need money for that, another thing I don't have a lot of. I kind of don't have a lot of anything that I can claime as truely my own. I feel like I've kinda done nothing in my adult life, but I also don't feel like an "adult" at all anyways. I mean, I am only 18, and will be turning 19 in a few months, but I've only been out of high school since June, and I'm still 100% unindependent. Maybe you really don't become independent until after college anyways. Either way, I'll have to find a real job eventually. But just because I have a college education, does that mean that I'll have anything to offer the world? I have no idea. Really the key is your own personal happiness, and only you can make that for yourself, right? Yes, I think so. Still, this discouragement and lack of sleep is really not doing wonders. So I still suck at motivating myself. I think that's the roots to my challenges. And I don't feel that I'm lazy, but what do I know. I'm kinda timid by nature, and that doesn't nessisarily make me a go getter, in any aspect. But when whatever comes, and if it means something to me, I'll go and work for it. I guess I just have to find the exact right thing for me...whatever that is.

Goal for the week, try to get some sleep at normal hours. And give the T.V. and Toby a rest. Those aspects of the world can always wait.

Ranting Post, Number 1

Alright, this is my second post, though technically, the real first. Who knows what will really come of this because, even though I write all the time, I don't really write journal or diary entries, more if I feel I need to vent something or a story idea, and because I'm odd, I do so by the means of handwritten garble in notebooks. So I don't post much on the net like this. Well actually that's a bit of a lie, since I do the above occassional blurbs on my LiveJournal account, which I've had for what seems like forever. And I vaguely remember having one of these Blogs a thousand years ago, but like I said, it was like before High School, 4+ years, so all in all, its good to be back in the system. My sister Steph, as I just found out, has one of these, focused on her life, which is basically her and her husband Jon (who is awesome without even trying, a plus in every situation).

Well, its summer, and all that its been for me is a big long haul of nothingness really. Which is a shame, because all of that is my fault. I feel far too much than anyone should, to be an unmotivated slacker. I think 99% of the world is crap, and the only precious thing to me lately has been music, and even more that half of it is crap anyways, but through all the sludge, there is small, gleeming lights of greatness, which myself and many others have grabbed onto, and held up to our ears like our lives depended on it (which at times, in the past present and future, our lives do). I sometimes almost always think that people were just nuts when they talked about music with such reverence, but now, I get it. And I'm not even sure how, or mostly, why, but I'm willing to embrace it more than fight it. Even now, in the small gap between the end of my high school years and the hot, long summer, I'm feeling myself growing, even though in too many aspects I'm still staying still. Life's full of a gazillion ebbs and flows, some huge and eventful, but 99% of them tiny and strange, but always meaningful. Goal of a lifetime: improve the life you're living. Despite uninevitably doing so often, try not to stand still, and try to always grow and evolve, but not change. You'll become to detatched to what makes you you, and that is even worse that the greatest act of still silence in life.
You can't be defined by life or the people in it, and for that matter even yourself. The moment you do so, you limit yourself more that defining yourself. And that's what makes a person's natural evolution so important, it keeps it from becoming nothing more that just mindless copied souless crap. Being true makes anything and everything true and amazing, and for that matter, something special in a world where, I believe, has lost its way. That's why you can never trust it, but why you can, and should, really trust yourself. But another fear is to become to idealistic in yourself and not rely on anyone. Its the strange ballence between the two. If you become too self centered and too egoistic, you stop evolving once again and focus on everything that is damaging to that sort of thing. You have to be willing to admit you're mortal and can't do it alone and give yourself up to a greater power. And where does music come into all this. Well, I could never give the ultimate answer, because there simply isn't one. Let's just for now, call it the ever changing soundtrack to life.

End of Rant.

First Post

Woo Hoo!