Alright, well I'm feeling a bit better since I wrote that post. I dunno, I can get discouraged pretty easily, which is definatly one of my weaknesses. I'm not really that confident, though the way I can sometimes doup people about that is an amazing thing in of itself. *sigh* I'll I can say is that life is full of the tiniest, tinyist ebbs and flows, and I seem to take a ride on them all the freakin' time.
On a note, I love painting and art, and bright colors. And the ocean. I love water and the looks of things underwater. I love the green and the natural, though ironically, I hate the dirt part of it. And the strange, weird creepy crawlys. Like last night my foot got bit by a pincher bug who decided to go across the floor and camp out and see if I was tasty.
I feel confident in my switch to art, and I hope all goes well and I fall in love with it even more that I am in love with it at the moment. I really have to stop thinking about all the crap and white noise that goes along with the technicallities of life, and just find something I love and do it. It should only be as simple as that and I can make it that way if I really want to. Its all how you look at it, and I think we needed to be reminded of that, like all the time.
And Institute is Wensday, yay! I must admit I enjoy it, even though 2 hours is quite a length, but I'll have to get used to that, especially since some of my signed up classes are about that length, so I'll need to become reajusted to those long lengths of concentration. And I just purchased two Nirvana CDs ("Nevermind" and "Unplugged in New York") and two Red Hot Chili Peppers CDs (yay!!!) ("By The Way" and "Stadium Arcadium"). I think those will be the last Chili Pepper CDs I'll get, and not because I don't like them, but their other CDs are plainly unneeded. Those two with the other two I currenly own ("Blood Sugar Sex Magik" and "Californication") are truely the pinical Chilis. As for Nirvana, I'm not particularly interested in the darker "In Utero" (and you get the best songs from that album acustically no less on "Unplugged" anyways). I'd like to get this boxed set of theirs ("With The Lights Out" a need) and a CDs of so-called rares ("Incesticide") simply for the great cover of The Vaselines song "Molly's Lips" but that can wait another day. Ahh, music is fun. I feel more chipper, which is always exciting.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Post Number 3
I seriously think I have a sleeping problem. Its not that I can't sleep, but I can't sleep at night. I'm a true night owl in every sense of the word I guess. But its really messing up my system and my mood, which is to me at the moment the worst reprocussion. Even when I force myself to stay up all day and get up early to do so, I still can't get to sleep. I know I am tired, but its like my mind won't go to sleep. So I don't know. I was thinking about maybe considering pills, but I don't want an addiction or something aweful down the line. And I'd like to not have to be dependent on drugs, or eventually see drugs as a solution to anything, so I'm staying away from it. So this means at the moment, I'm a bit of a loss on what to do with the sleeping problem.
And I'm kinda worried about school. I guess I just have the usual nervous worries. Steph said its just college, but school not matter what, always seems super important. And I really want to continue getting good grades and go to Insitute so I can have the right stuff I need to get into BYU Idaho, I'm thinking a year or two right now. I know it will be the best environment for me, ultimatly. And when that time comes, the prospect will make me all worried again. I never realized how worried all situations make me. Like always. I guess as a kid I was better at ignoring them, and just keep on moving through, but now, less than ever, I'm horrible at masking it and not letting it effect me. And the fact that I'm doing absolutly nothing this summer is also not helping my mood. I kinda feel like all that is going on in the world is a strange repeat of things from the past, like the 60s and early 90s where things were kinda looking crappy, and it seemed to really effect people's everyday lives. And the worst part, is that no one seems to be able to find the solution. My only thought is that I have to keep on moving, even though like all the time I'm finding it to look impossible, but in reality, nothing is impossible, it just really feels that way, so much of the time. I dunno, maybe I should invest in my own motivational speaker. But I would need money for that, another thing I don't have a lot of. I kind of don't have a lot of anything that I can claime as truely my own. I feel like I've kinda done nothing in my adult life, but I also don't feel like an "adult" at all anyways. I mean, I am only 18, and will be turning 19 in a few months, but I've only been out of high school since June, and I'm still 100% unindependent. Maybe you really don't become independent until after college anyways. Either way, I'll have to find a real job eventually. But just because I have a college education, does that mean that I'll have anything to offer the world? I have no idea. Really the key is your own personal happiness, and only you can make that for yourself, right? Yes, I think so. Still, this discouragement and lack of sleep is really not doing wonders. So I still suck at motivating myself. I think that's the roots to my challenges. And I don't feel that I'm lazy, but what do I know. I'm kinda timid by nature, and that doesn't nessisarily make me a go getter, in any aspect. But when whatever comes, and if it means something to me, I'll go and work for it. I guess I just have to find the exact right thing for me...whatever that is.
Goal for the week, try to get some sleep at normal hours. And give the T.V. and Toby a rest. Those aspects of the world can always wait.
And I'm kinda worried about school. I guess I just have the usual nervous worries. Steph said its just college, but school not matter what, always seems super important. And I really want to continue getting good grades and go to Insitute so I can have the right stuff I need to get into BYU Idaho, I'm thinking a year or two right now. I know it will be the best environment for me, ultimatly. And when that time comes, the prospect will make me all worried again. I never realized how worried all situations make me. Like always. I guess as a kid I was better at ignoring them, and just keep on moving through, but now, less than ever, I'm horrible at masking it and not letting it effect me. And the fact that I'm doing absolutly nothing this summer is also not helping my mood. I kinda feel like all that is going on in the world is a strange repeat of things from the past, like the 60s and early 90s where things were kinda looking crappy, and it seemed to really effect people's everyday lives. And the worst part, is that no one seems to be able to find the solution. My only thought is that I have to keep on moving, even though like all the time I'm finding it to look impossible, but in reality, nothing is impossible, it just really feels that way, so much of the time. I dunno, maybe I should invest in my own motivational speaker. But I would need money for that, another thing I don't have a lot of. I kind of don't have a lot of anything that I can claime as truely my own. I feel like I've kinda done nothing in my adult life, but I also don't feel like an "adult" at all anyways. I mean, I am only 18, and will be turning 19 in a few months, but I've only been out of high school since June, and I'm still 100% unindependent. Maybe you really don't become independent until after college anyways. Either way, I'll have to find a real job eventually. But just because I have a college education, does that mean that I'll have anything to offer the world? I have no idea. Really the key is your own personal happiness, and only you can make that for yourself, right? Yes, I think so. Still, this discouragement and lack of sleep is really not doing wonders. So I still suck at motivating myself. I think that's the roots to my challenges. And I don't feel that I'm lazy, but what do I know. I'm kinda timid by nature, and that doesn't nessisarily make me a go getter, in any aspect. But when whatever comes, and if it means something to me, I'll go and work for it. I guess I just have to find the exact right thing for me...whatever that is.
Goal for the week, try to get some sleep at normal hours. And give the T.V. and Toby a rest. Those aspects of the world can always wait.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Ranting Post, Number 1
Alright, this is my second post, though technically, the real first. Who knows what will really come of this because, even though I write all the time, I don't really write journal or diary entries, more if I feel I need to vent something or a story idea, and because I'm odd, I do so by the means of handwritten garble in notebooks. So I don't post much on the net like this. Well actually that's a bit of a lie, since I do the above occassional blurbs on my LiveJournal account, which I've had for what seems like forever. And I vaguely remember having one of these Blogs a thousand years ago, but like I said, it was like before High School, 4+ years, so all in all, its good to be back in the system. My sister Steph, as I just found out, has one of these, focused on her life, which is basically her and her husband Jon (who is awesome without even trying, a plus in every situation).
Well, its summer, and all that its been for me is a big long haul of nothingness really. Which is a shame, because all of that is my fault. I feel far too much than anyone should, to be an unmotivated slacker. I think 99% of the world is crap, and the only precious thing to me lately has been music, and even more that half of it is crap anyways, but through all the sludge, there is small, gleeming lights of greatness, which myself and many others have grabbed onto, and held up to our ears like our lives depended on it (which at times, in the past present and future, our lives do). I sometimes almost always think that people were just nuts when they talked about music with such reverence, but now, I get it. And I'm not even sure how, or mostly, why, but I'm willing to embrace it more than fight it. Even now, in the small gap between the end of my high school years and the hot, long summer, I'm feeling myself growing, even though in too many aspects I'm still staying still. Life's full of a gazillion ebbs and flows, some huge and eventful, but 99% of them tiny and strange, but always meaningful. Goal of a lifetime: improve the life you're living. Despite uninevitably doing so often, try not to stand still, and try to always grow and evolve, but not change. You'll become to detatched to what makes you you, and that is even worse that the greatest act of still silence in life.
You can't be defined by life or the people in it, and for that matter even yourself. The moment you do so, you limit yourself more that defining yourself. And that's what makes a person's natural evolution so important, it keeps it from becoming nothing more that just mindless copied souless crap. Being true makes anything and everything true and amazing, and for that matter, something special in a world where, I believe, has lost its way. That's why you can never trust it, but why you can, and should, really trust yourself. But another fear is to become to idealistic in yourself and not rely on anyone. Its the strange ballence between the two. If you become too self centered and too egoistic, you stop evolving once again and focus on everything that is damaging to that sort of thing. You have to be willing to admit you're mortal and can't do it alone and give yourself up to a greater power. And where does music come into all this. Well, I could never give the ultimate answer, because there simply isn't one. Let's just for now, call it the ever changing soundtrack to life.
End of Rant.
Well, its summer, and all that its been for me is a big long haul of nothingness really. Which is a shame, because all of that is my fault. I feel far too much than anyone should, to be an unmotivated slacker. I think 99% of the world is crap, and the only precious thing to me lately has been music, and even more that half of it is crap anyways, but through all the sludge, there is small, gleeming lights of greatness, which myself and many others have grabbed onto, and held up to our ears like our lives depended on it (which at times, in the past present and future, our lives do). I sometimes almost always think that people were just nuts when they talked about music with such reverence, but now, I get it. And I'm not even sure how, or mostly, why, but I'm willing to embrace it more than fight it. Even now, in the small gap between the end of my high school years and the hot, long summer, I'm feeling myself growing, even though in too many aspects I'm still staying still. Life's full of a gazillion ebbs and flows, some huge and eventful, but 99% of them tiny and strange, but always meaningful. Goal of a lifetime: improve the life you're living. Despite uninevitably doing so often, try not to stand still, and try to always grow and evolve, but not change. You'll become to detatched to what makes you you, and that is even worse that the greatest act of still silence in life.
You can't be defined by life or the people in it, and for that matter even yourself. The moment you do so, you limit yourself more that defining yourself. And that's what makes a person's natural evolution so important, it keeps it from becoming nothing more that just mindless copied souless crap. Being true makes anything and everything true and amazing, and for that matter, something special in a world where, I believe, has lost its way. That's why you can never trust it, but why you can, and should, really trust yourself. But another fear is to become to idealistic in yourself and not rely on anyone. Its the strange ballence between the two. If you become too self centered and too egoistic, you stop evolving once again and focus on everything that is damaging to that sort of thing. You have to be willing to admit you're mortal and can't do it alone and give yourself up to a greater power. And where does music come into all this. Well, I could never give the ultimate answer, because there simply isn't one. Let's just for now, call it the ever changing soundtrack to life.
End of Rant.
Friday, July 18, 2008
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