I'm Dumb

College is great. No worries. I am tired. But working in the learning sense makes me feel happy. And one day late Happy Birthday to Steph!!!

I am currently reading two books. "Looking For Alaska" by John Green. (Nerdfighters!) And "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Geinus" by Dave Eggers. Both so far are a treat. I am super impressed with John's handy work in particular. I must go work on homework now. And as always, the Chili Peppers rock my socks. Take that as you will.

Alright, let's be honest...

...I am scared of college. Though scared isn't even really the right word. I think I simply just am feeling not ready. I just had a dream where I was in high school and sitting hanging out with friends and memorible other seniors and we were all having fun at a resterant I think it was. We were all loud and very proud of that and singing to eachother chants across the room, it was all a good time. And then we all got up and left and then I realized how much I would miss all them and miss all of this. In reality, I just don't think I've let it go yet and that's why I haven't been enthusiastic about college. I was denying why or just not looking at why I was feeling that way, but this is why. And the hardest thing is I know that isn't not the actual high school I miss (if I went there, "looking" for whatever I feel I'm missing, I would never find it there) but its the people and experiences of crazy bizzarly fun adolesent high school stuff. I know It's strange to say you're old at 18, but it seems like I should be like Pennie Lane and be retired. I feel like I already have a big experation date and am just washed out (though I know the opposite is true). I have much more to live for and its only the begining of life, really. But, I am absolutly terrified, and I'm not letting myself know it. Which is bad--its bad to stifle yourself like this, and I do it without even realizing it. I think I need to chill and get focused and have fun. And listen to Steph when she says Sierra is like High School number 2. But I'm still scared. Pray all this comes back to normal full circle as the first day of Sierra starts on Monday, Aug. 25th. 3 days away...

BLAH

For some reason I keep having trouble with logging into this blog. Either I just am too dumb and cannot remember the log in or the program is really messed up. Unfortuately on my part, I think It's the first one on my part. I seem to fail at life. Like a lot. So, I suck at that part. And school starts on the 25th. I don't really feel prepared and it also doesn't feel real. And I know I'm worrying about absolutely nothing. I love yellow. It's a bright, happy color. I feel like I disappoint far too much in my life. Or far too many people. I with I kinda...hmm, its not that I don't care, but I have such a mellow, layed back kind of thing, I wish sometimes I was just a little more OCD so I would just go and do stuff. Or get stuff done. I wish one of these posts would be more cheery, but it hasn't happened yet this summer.