I seriously think I have a sleeping problem. Its not that I can't sleep, but I can't sleep at night. I'm a true night owl in every sense of the word I guess. But its really messing up my system and my mood, which is to me at the moment the worst reprocussion. Even when I force myself to stay up all day and get up early to do so, I still can't get to sleep. I know I am tired, but its like my mind won't go to sleep. So I don't know. I was thinking about maybe considering pills, but I don't want an addiction or something aweful down the line. And I'd like to not have to be dependent on drugs, or eventually see drugs as a solution to anything, so I'm staying away from it. So this means at the moment, I'm a bit of a loss on what to do with the sleeping problem.
And I'm kinda worried about school. I guess I just have the usual nervous worries. Steph said its just college, but school not matter what, always seems super important. And I really want to continue getting good grades and go to Insitute so I can have the right stuff I need to get into BYU Idaho, I'm thinking a year or two right now. I know it will be the best environment for me, ultimatly. And when that time comes, the prospect will make me all worried again. I never realized how worried all situations make me. Like always. I guess as a kid I was better at ignoring them, and just keep on moving through, but now, less than ever, I'm horrible at masking it and not letting it effect me. And the fact that I'm doing absolutly nothing this summer is also not helping my mood. I kinda feel like all that is going on in the world is a strange repeat of things from the past, like the 60s and early 90s where things were kinda looking crappy, and it seemed to really effect people's everyday lives. And the worst part, is that no one seems to be able to find the solution. My only thought is that I have to keep on moving, even though like all the time I'm finding it to look impossible, but in reality, nothing is impossible, it just really feels that way, so much of the time. I dunno, maybe I should invest in my own motivational speaker. But I would need money for that, another thing I don't have a lot of. I kind of don't have a lot of anything that I can claime as truely my own. I feel like I've kinda done nothing in my adult life, but I also don't feel like an "adult" at all anyways. I mean, I am only 18, and will be turning 19 in a few months, but I've only been out of high school since June, and I'm still 100% unindependent. Maybe you really don't become independent until after college anyways. Either way, I'll have to find a real job eventually. But just because I have a college education, does that mean that I'll have anything to offer the world? I have no idea. Really the key is your own personal happiness, and only you can make that for yourself, right? Yes, I think so. Still, this discouragement and lack of sleep is really not doing wonders. So I still suck at motivating myself. I think that's the roots to my challenges. And I don't feel that I'm lazy, but what do I know. I'm kinda timid by nature, and that doesn't nessisarily make me a go getter, in any aspect. But when whatever comes, and if it means something to me, I'll go and work for it. I guess I just have to find the exact right thing for me...whatever that is.
Goal for the week, try to get some sleep at normal hours. And give the T.V. and Toby a rest. Those aspects of the world can always wait.
1 comment:
I'm sure you'll do great in school. And whatever else you want to do. I always believe that if you want something enough, like want to DO something enough, you will really find a way to make it happen. I mean, look at what you REALLY want out of life...and you will make it work :) And if you don't know how you can always ask me and jon :)
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